School's In Session

*GROAN* That will be the first sound I make when I try to wake up tomorrow morning, for my first day of school in about 9 days. I am going to go crazy!

I forgot so many things today because I had completely forgotten that I had to do them, I was so used to staying home...and I this wasn't even a long break!

Anyway, tomorrow is back to school and I'm looking forward to it...but at the same time...I really don't want to go back. I don't feel up to going to school...I'm not sick...well not physically sick but I feel like I'm going sick mentally. Nothing seems to be going right for me you know?

I feel terrible. I used to have 4 best friends, and two of them completely ignore me, 1 of them ignores me but will say "hi" and "how are you" to make up for the fact that she decided not to sit next to me anymore during English class, and the one person who seemed to really and truly care about me...he's gone...he moved away.

And the people I'm friends with now...I'm afraid that our friendship won't last much longer...I'm afraid that one day Kate will say "You know...Cael had the right idea. A is so stupid." and when she leaves she'll take Angie, Lara, Aaron...everybody. I'm afraid of being alone again...I want friends but I feel incapable of making them and keeping them. Like I can't talk to people...but my friends, I can talk to them...which is really saying something, and I'm afraid of losing that with the few people who can really get me to talk.

I cry at night again because I feel like a failure...I feel like I can't do anything right when it comes to friends. In fact I turn events over in my head and wince when I realize I said something stupid, that most people would stop talking to me for...I'm just waiting for them to do that...I don't want it to happen but I feel like it will happen...and I've already gotten too close to them! I love seeing them because they make me feel good, they get me out of any slump...and it sucks because one day it will all be over, like it was last time...and I'll be alone again. That is, unless I step up and stop saying stupid things.